Knocking on the Gates of Hell

I had a very interesting weekend - the Lord surely arrested me. In my post, Solomon, I said that if I did wander to close to the gates of Hell, the Lord will speak up; well, it seems I've done just that. Though, it's weird. In my wandering, I never felt that I was running from God. I guess I could liken it to when Jesus was lead by the Spirit of God into the wilderness to be tempted.
Over the last few months or so, I have done things that could be seen as unspeakable as a Christian, devoted to God. Yet, I don't feel like I've disappointed the Lord, nor do I regret the choices I've made over this time - I still feel like I am walking in the Lord's will. However, this weekend, I did experience a few things that lead me to a "death-&-resurection" like experience Sunday morning - it hurt, but it was good.

Friday, I went out w. two friends who've been very close to me in the past - it seems we are reforging a friendship once again. However, I felt something in my heart as we discussed a trip - a darkness of sorts... a slight tinge of discomfort. As we spoke, I began to realize that this trip would not bode well for me (sorry guys, I have to bail out).
After a nice worship service Sat. morning, and working at the church all afternoon and evening, I began to get this question. I asked the Lord, "Are you going to let me fall through the cracks?" Right that second, the phone rang. It was a friend - probably the only person I know that I can be completely real with. I don't have to hold back with him, knowing that if I let it all go I won't offend or hurt him too deeply. He understands me... kinda :)
The Lord has put on his heart that he should mentor me over the next half-year, or so. The Lord responded to my question with a resounding "No!"
The next day, the Lord smote me. A man in church - one I have a great deal of respect for - came up to me, put his hand on my back and said, "Go beyond understanding. Let God take you further." So, I let go. I was having a wonderful time worshiping the Lord, but when I let go of my understanding, the weight of the Lord came upon me, and I was pressed to the ground. After the worship time, and the pastor's message was about to begin, He hit me again... I spent about 3/4 of Sunday's service having my soul worked over by the Lord. Images of the Commander of the Lord's Army plunging His sword into my back and head plagued me as I felt only what I can describe as pain and agony in my soul. Yet, all the while, I knew it was good. I knew the Lord was working, and that His judgments are always good.
Later that day, on my way to another worship service, I began walking down the street to another friend's place. I had no idea why I was going there, tho it was the Spirit leading me. I had no idea how I was going to get into the condo complex, and said to the Lord, "If you want me to do this, you're going to have to get me into the building." Well, of course, right as I entered the outer door, someone was leaving and let me in.
In stood in my friend's doorway for a while, trying to figure out why the Lord wanted me there - they thought it was to give me candy and tell me my hat looked goofy... ummm I don't think so, Tim. After talking for a bit, they told me that they think the Lord is calling me to be a "bondservant" - I've lived a time in such complete freedom, almost idolizing freedom itself, but now the Lord is leading me to the other extreme so that I may find a "Wise Medium".
I've discarded this friend's 'rebuke' many times in the past, but I thank the Lord that they still share what they hear Him saying for me. This advice will be heeded. Because of the events that happened over the two previous days, I know this was a Word from the Lord.

So, what is a bondservant? What does it mean to be a slave to the Lord? For us anti-religious types, it sounds hideous. It sounds like a lie from hell to keep us from truly Living. But, I'm not afraid of this calling, for I know that the Lord is good. He is not One to keep Life from any. Submission unto the Lord literally means to "come under His Mission". What is His Mission? To bring Life where there is death - the show Light where there is darkness. To be a bondservant of God is a terrible and delightful calling. I will be pulled and stretched in ways that I've never experienced; yet, I know that when I come through this time, I will know the Power of Love and Humility. I will see and hear the Lord in ways I've never imagined - His works will be evident everywhere.
Though, I have no idea what it means to be the Lord's bondservant, I am looking forward to this time of discipline... discipleship. I will not fear my past, nor will I dread the future. I will rejoice in all that the Lord has given me. Just like Kevin Prosch wrote in "Every Ray", if I should take Happiness from the Lord, should I not also accept Sorrow. Paul exhorts us to rejoice always, giving thanks for all things.

The Lord is Good.