The Curse of Man-pleasing

I have been living a painful life for some time, now. Yes, there have been moments of joy and happiness; however, there has been an overall lack of fulfillment. And, the other day, I believe I discovered the cause of my walking-deadness.

There's a common knowledge that it is better to give than to receive. That it's good to treat people at least as good, if not better, than we treat ourselves. While these teachings are true, there is a danger in giving one's self over to them without proper discernment.

If I look back on where my life started to spiral downward, it is when I decided I no longer wanted to be a radical outcast.
When a person is sold out to their dream - to what they know their life was made for - they don't fit in with most people. The average person, though good and decent, doesn't know how to relate or understand the dreamer. Because the dreamer is different - unrelatible - they are cast out of the everydayness of life.
Sure the dreamer is looked up to, and is often asked for leadership and guidance; but, the exaltation of the dreamer by the average person leaves the dreamer on the outside. In fact, the average person begins to resent the dreamer because the words actions and even presence of the dreamer cause the average to self-evaluate.... the average person begins to notice what is lacking in their own lives. Though, the dreamer doesn't condemn, there is a conviction in the heart of the average whenever the dreamer is around, and erroneously equate the dreamer with causing a feeling of lack... of a deadness in the heart.
So, the average pull away from the dreamer, leaving the dreamer to walk their life alone.
I no longer wanted to walk alone....

But, the dreamer cannot live a mediocre life. As much as I try to cover the dreamer in me with a blanket of average, that inner man screams out. It's easy to muffle at first; but, the dreamer is resourceful. He will not rest until his dream is realized. And so, I have been living with an inner turmoil that is becoming unbearable.
What's more, is it's not just the dreamer within who's calling to be freed. He's enlisted the help of his Best Friend. The Voice from Heaven is inescapable. He not only speaks to me, but he sends others to encourage me to free the dreamer inside me. Friends, acquaintances, complete strangers - He brings them all to me to speak to and give strength to the dreamer inside. He will not be silenced.

Though, the spirit of the average tries and struggles to stay in command, my heart is convincing me that it's better to live true to myself than to fit in with others. Trying to fit in doesn't work, anyway. Being average has such a foul taste, that I, myself, have become bitter. There is no winning being average. Only the dreamer can succeed.

And so, I focus on the call of God:

"Awaken, you Dreamer! Your time of slumber has ended. I am calling you to renew your journey unto greatness. You are indeed blessed - you have a gift... a gift that needs to be shared. I will not allow My gift to you to go unused. I have blessed you to be a blessing to the world. Allow yourself to be Free, so that you can bring Freedom to the captives. YOU ARE NOT AVERAGE! Nobody was made to be average! So, cast off that blanket, and sore like an eagle - rise up and sore like you were destined to.

"Live, O Dreamer! Live!"

O Lord, will You rise up inside of me? Let me feel the touch of Your Grace. Lift me up in Your Hand. Rise me up to the heavens. Open the eyes of my heart, so that I may follow You... so that I may be like you! Your Grace is sufficient!

Coo-coo

I think most people who know me think I'm a little unstable, and I don't think I disagree with them much. Sometimes it seems I go from high to low in a matter of hours, without much change in the world around me.... sometimes I just - well, snap isn't the right word, so - droop.

I was listening to a song on my way back to the office, it's by Casing Crowns. The Voice of Truth is a great song, but for some reason, I always hear, "The voice in my head tells me a different story..." How the words really go are, "The Voice of Truth tells me a different story...."

I have had more than one person tell me that I should go on medication, but I don't think it's necessary. I mean, I'm not dangerous to anyone - not even myself. And, I wouldn't trade the highs (though, they don't get as high as they once did), nor the lows for a deadpan J. That would not be good for anyone.

So, I'm gonna carry one in my crazy ways. I'm used to the voice(s) in my head, anyway.

The Christian Dilemma

Today's sermon, along with a great many things happening in my life, have stirred up an unrest in my soul. I hate the place I am at, in a sense. I'd love to say that I'm content with where I'm at. I could very easy love my life, as I seem to have everything figured out. My job is great; my marriage - albeit hard - is great; I'm making more money than I have in a very long time... life is good.
Even spiritually, things are going OK. I'm not totally sold out like I once was; but, I think I can definitely relate to people a lot more, now. I pray often, and am involved in "Christian things" as much, if not more than most - I mean my job is to help people know that God loves them, and I love it!
But, I am stuck in this dilemma. This life I'm living isn't enough. There is something inside of me just screaming to get out; but, it just isn't compatible with where I am in life.

So, what does this mean? Does it mean I'm living a lie? Does it mean I've taken a wrong turn? Have I messed up somehow?
I don't think so.....

I think there was a time where I'd just say, "Screw it!" to the rest of my life, forsaking it all to chase after this thing inside of me. However, I believe the path to where I am at has taught me something important about patience.

There's a saying in Solomon's Song that says, "Don't awaken love before it's time."

The very core nature of my soul is being suppressed right now. And, maybe it's a good thing. There are people encouraging me to just let loose and go for it. But, the Wisdom within me says, "Not yet."
There will be a time when it'll be advantageous to charge ahead full bore. But, right now, it's still better to hold back.
Have you ever seen the movie Hidalgo? They start the race hard, then slow it right down for much of the race. But, in order to win, they had to finish the race going all out. They had to go further and faster than what would kill them.
I feel like I'm just past the very beginning of the race. Even though I want to keep charging ahead, I know that in order to finish the race, I must maintain my current pace for a time.

My core beliefs have not changed throughout this time of drought. I know beyond everything that God is Good; and, that His plans for each of us are beyond anything we can imagine - we just have to stay the coarse. We can't give up. As much as I'd have liked to - especially over this last year - I know that the BEST thing I can do is keep pace... Don't rush ahead, as my heart would have me. Nor, should I relegate to a life of mediocrity, as my soul would say is the only way, now.
No, the best thing to do, is to wait. Let Wisdom be the guide Because, when I am to move ahead, it will kill the man I am now. God's Greatness for any of our lives, causes the execution of the old person we've been for our whole lives; however, It causes the resurrection of the new person we've always yearned to be.

"If I should take happiness from Your Hand, should I accept sorrow too, as well?"
- Kevin Prosch
"Give thanks in every circumstance!"
- St. Paul
"I have plans to prosper you and protect you!"
- God
"Come to me, and I will give you rest."
- Jesus Christ