Jam or Peanut Butter

I'm sitting here just baffled at how long my weekend seemed. I wonder if it's because it was jam-packed full of stuff, or is it more like I was trudging through peanut butter? My perception of time has really gone out the window - I find it hard to see that there was only one day between Friday night and Sunday.
I think the real reason why it seemed like such a long period of time is because I went through a full range of emotions. God's been doing a real number on my soul, mainly using the illustration of a Vision given in Rick Joyner's Final Quest. In this Vision (I capitalize Vision b/c it's the name of the 2-book compilation I'm reading), Rick visits the Judgment Seat of Christ, and is brought to realize the deception he's been living, and is revealed the darkness of his own soul. It's very sobering b/c I chose to enter into this place as he was describing the Vision. And, over these last few days, I've been brought very low.

Yet, there is hope! Jesus is the Redeemer. He has redeemed me - yay, all of us - from the darkness of the soul. He continues to remind me that He sees all of the darkness in my soul - even that which I don't see (it's worse than I suspect!!); but, He still calls me Righteous... Beloved, because His Blood has paid the price - has wiped away all sin.
Even though, I live in this duality, He sees the final purified me over top of this dark soul that I see now. And, even though I can still see the darkness of myself, I am choosing to live by faith in what He says, instead of by what I see. I AM redeemed, I AM His Beloved.
My mind has yet to fully grasp this Truth, or maybe it has yet to take root in my heart... I actually feel like a complete wacko! Because I am self-aware, I can see the two different lives, yet, I am still just one man. I hope I can't be traced from this post by a shrink, or they may send the men in white coats after me!! That may not be a completely bad thing, tho... I hear they place you in a padded room with a new jacket that lets you hug yourself all the time (lol)!

Bloggin for the sake of bloggin

I can't believe that it's been a week since my last blog! I feel like such a slacker... I've wanted to type some stuff so many times over this last week, as I have desired many times, but did not have the time or wasn't near a computer.

Now....

My head is empty, and I have a dull headache - probably from a little too much wine last night. It's weird, I felt great this morning when I got up; but, after being at work for little more than an hour the throb started. That reminds me, my coffee cup is still sitting by the coffee pot - I was waiting for the coffee to brew, but decided I'd be productive while I wait. Unfortunately, that often means I'm away just long enough to have to brew another pot if I want my caffeine fix.
Now, I'm typing away about nothing instead of filling my cup w. that black-zip.... I really just want to crawl under my desk and take a nap. It used to work quite often in the past - people would come in and ask where I'd disappeared to. But, with all the rearrangements in my office, it's no longer easy to conceal myself - I need a desk akin to George Castansa's on Seinfeld!
Did everyone catch the Seinfeld Reunion Special last night? I quit watching TV regularly when the show went off the air; but, I got a co-worker and a friend to tape it for me (had 2 ppl help, for back-up). Seinfeld is by far the show I've liked best - I've never seen a show that came close to matching the comedic punch that Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer and others gave. I think I'll buy the episodes on DVD - if I don't get them for Christmas (Hint! Hint!)

Ok, enough blogging about nothing (what a fantastic topic!)... I'm going to get that coffee.

Love... a fool's game

I'm not really as cynical as the title of this post suggests. I was just sitting at home, listening to some music, realizing that I'm such a sap. A couple of days ago, I read a friend's blog; they were mentioning how perhaps they should stop watching romantic movies b/c the movies just remind them that they're alone, and the best they've experienced of love has fallen apart.
Well, much of the songs I'm sitting here singing to are ballads. Tho, I don't morn where I am romantically, however odd that part of my life may seem. Instead, I recall and rejoice the past. The songs remind me of different relationships I've had in my past. I'm so thankful for every woman who as graced my life b/c it's through these lovelies that I'm learning to love.

I think Willy Nelson once wrote a song "To All The Girl's I've Loved Before". Now, I'm no country music fan, so I haven't a clue what the rest of the words to that song are; but, this post is a dedication to them. I thank God for all of them, and hope that the seeds of love they've sown into my life will some day bear fruit in the relationship I have with my wife - whoever she may be.

"You're so amazing!" ... maybe not

I had two very inspiring conversations with a couple of friends over the last couple of days. Both people made some very true remarks about my personality, but they were both the exact opposite. One said that was "truly amazing", the other pointed out that I'm still the self-centered jerk I was in High School.
The reason I say both comments are true is because, I still live differently around certain people. Yes, as much as I'd like to think I'm the same with everyone - "what you see is what you get!" - I still seem to think I have something to prove to some people.

For a certain few, I seem to put on this show that says, "See, I am this wonderful and great guy - I am the leader I've told you I can be..." or something lame like that. For some reason, I'm still looking for approval from some. I think it comes from a sense that I've let them down in my former lives, and have to do something to make them see I am someone better, or just the same, or... whatever.
What's worse, is that in trying to prove myself, I invariably try to improve them! Can you believe it?! Because I'm insecure, I try to make myself feel better by trying to convince them I'm better in some way!
Yet, when I'm with people who I feel accept me as I am, I'm totally cool. I don't push anything, or tell them they should or shouldn't do something. I guess when we don't feel pressure, we can just be.

It all reminds me of a line in Kipling's If... (see More Poetry), about having all people count, but not too much.
For those who read this blog, and I've tried to change you in some way - or at least made you feel in anyway inferior - here's a public apology. I'm sorry I've exalted your opinion too high. You all definitely count, but maybe I should not count so much in my view of your view of me (did I say that right? You know what I mean ).

Hip To Be Square

I was chatting online with a friend of mine who I haven't spoken to for a while, and they asked me what was new. I wrote, "I'm workin out most every day," which made me laugh because it's a line from a great song: Hip To Be Square by Heuy Lewis & the News.
I want to share that song here (I wonder how often I am breaking copywrite laws on my blog?)

I used to be a renegade,
I used to fool around
But I couldn't take the punishment,
and had to settle down
Now I'm playing it real straight,
and yes I cut my hair

You might think I'm crazy,
but I don't even care
Because I can tell what's going on
It's hip to be square

I like my bands in business suits,
I watch them on TV
I'm working out 'most everyday
And watching what I eat

They tell me that it's good for me,
but I don't even care
I know that it's crazy
I know that it's nowhere
But there is no denying that
It's hip to be square

It's not too hard to figure out,
You see it everyday
And those that were the farthest out
Have gone the other way
You see them on the freeway,
It don't look like a lot of fun
But don't you try to fight it;
"An idea who's time has come."

Don't tell me that I'm crazy
Don't tell me I'm nowhere
Take it from me
It's hip to be square

There's definitely something to be said about being "square". I really used to love this song because I used to have long hair, and wouldn't really care much about anything; but, then I cut my hair and started getting into shape - just like the beginning of this song. Made me laugh at myself, but it also made me see that being different from the masses - or even going a direction that most didn't think was 'cool' - is often a more rewarding path. In fact, I've developed a general rule for my life that I quite often follow: Look what everyone else is doing, or where they're going, and do/go something/where different.
It's not necessarily doing the opposite - I find that the vast majority aren't completely wrong. We just seem to have difficulty thinking for ourselves, so we just go with the flow. And, I'm not sure if you've noticed how 'flow' goes... it takes the path of least resistance, which isn't always the shortest, quickest, most rewarding, etc.

Something to ponder....

Searching for a higher High?

I was just pondering on something a friend said to me when trying to figure out why I do what I do. The way they see my life, and hear what I have to say, it sounds like I'm always looking for that High - be it in the realm of the Spirit, Soul or Body.

Maybe that's why this is one of my favorite songs:

Go To Extremes - Billy Joel

Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?

And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
No I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low
There ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

I don't know why...I don't know why...
I don't know why...I don't know why...
Out in the dark...into the light...

****************************************************

After pondering for a bit, I realized that I'm not just looking for a higher high. What in fact I am searching for is Meaning. I realized today that when I listen to a song, or watch a movie, read a book, speak to people, etc... I'm not looking for entertainment (most of the time) - I'm looking for Meaning. If I find meaning is the basis for which I enjoy a certain activity. Thankfully, there is always some Meaning to be gained; and, that's why I think I am enjoying Life so much right now. There is meaning in the Highs and the Lows - it's not the feelings I'm focused on, but the lessons to be learned.

Freedom and Security

I think when most people look at me, I'm sure they don't think of the word Security; however, I'm sure almost everyone who knows me definitely sees Freedom. I wonder if that'll change during this time of "Bondservanthood"....

Though I may be liberal in my actions, I am definitely not liberal in my ideologies. Security has become the banner of this modern age, and I don't like a whole lot. Because when you work for Security, you automatically sacrifice some Freedom. I don't believe that the world, the government - whoever - owes me anything; for, I know that if there is something that I want or need, I have the means within myself to make it happen.
I remember hearing what Benjamin Franklin (or was it Thomas Jefferson?) once said:

A man is willing to give up any bit of Freedom for any amount of Security, deserves neither.

The only true Security comes from living a life of Freedom. Now, this sounds contradictory from someone who's deciding to live a life as a "Bondservant"; however, the more I get to know God - His Truth and Character - I realize that His Perfect Design is Freedom itself. To fully submit to the Lord is to live a Life unbound and unfettered by the limitations of a life focused on Security.
Jesus said, when He walked the earth, that He didn't have a place to lay His head - He never knew where He was going to sleep the night until the Father revealed it to Him. He didn't have a job to provide a constant and predictable income; and, He knew there was nothing He could do to prevent His friends from leaving His side when He was most alone.
His Security was in the complete Freedom of the Spirit. He knew beyond any doubt that His Father would meet every need He had. When He lead thousands of people out into the countryside, over a day's walk from the nearest amenities, He wasn't focused on the fact that they weren't Secure in the amount of food they had. He knew the Father's plan - He followed the Spirit's Voice. He was Free to not worry about the fact that these people would soon be out of food, and would faint of exhaustion if they didn't eat. He knew somehow that He wouldn't be left out to hang.
Even when He was condemned to the Cross, Jesus never gave up His Freedom to die for the Greatest Cause for the Security of His divine power. He knew that He would triumph because His Father is in control, and that He was never left to the 'will of the world'. The world is powerless against a heart Freed to the Spirit.


The reason I am thinking about this, is tomorrow, in North America, we pause to contemplate the end of World War II. We think about the men and women who went to fight on our behalf, so that we may continue to live a life in a Free land. They fought so that those of us who have an idea of how to live Free can teach those who don't understand it.
You may think I'm just a Right-wing Nut, but that's OK - if you don't agree with me, I probably think you're a Left-wing Pinko!!
No, I'm just kidding. The great thing about living in Freedom is that nobody's opinion can take it away from you - Freedom is only ours to give away. Unfortunately, it's not the same with Security (which is the whole premise of terrorism - stealing our Security).

I'm hoping to start some good discussions, however, I realize that most people won't want to touch this topic w. a 10ft. poll.

More Poetry

Kipling is another fine Poet. I was given this poem recently by my Manager, for inspiration. This wasn't my first experience w. this piece of prose, yet, if aspiring to a fuller life, I don't think anyone would tire of it.

If...

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet wit Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostor just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop to build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Cheesecake Saga

This is just so funny, that I had to share it with the world! Or, at least w. the minimal audience of my blog. Last Christmas, one of my roomies decided he'd make a cheesecake as a gift. He got a bit waylaid, and didn't get it finished in time. Here's how it ends.....

Roomy1:
Fellas,
I am not sure how this is, but my carefully & specially aged cheesecake is incredible! Please dig in... I had some myself today and I felt okay after.
Love, Roomy 1

Roomy2:
Thanks Roomy1!
I can't believe it, 11 months later and it's still good! Try it with the chocolate syrup and a Reese Peanut Butter Cup. (It's great!)
Roomy2

Roomy1:
Roomy2
I am having second thoughts about the cheesecake. I think I was experiencing some cheesecake backlash tonight at work. But, if you really believe in it, I will stand with you.
Love, Roomy1

Roomy2:
Roomy1,
I regret to inform you that I need to revoke the above statement regarding your cake. I also had some backlash from the cheesecake late last night, but I just dismissed it because I wanted so badly for the cheesecake to be good so I could eat more of it. But, this morning I felt as though there was a mechanical butterfly with lead wings flapping in my belly. I hereby refute all endorsements I gave to the cheesecake. This one little thing has caused a huge shift in my thinking and philosophies. I used to think if it looks like a duck and flies like a duck, then it's most likely a duck. Or, if a cake looks good, and smells good and tastes good, it is good. But, I'm now questioning that whole philosophy.
Roomy1, your cheesecake has caused a serious upset in all I once thought to be true. I will be meditating and reflecting on this all week now. But, in a way, Roomy1, I am thankful because your cake has caused me to do some serious soul searching. However, truth be known, I would have been even more thankful if you would have offered it to us 10 months ago.
Love, Always, Your brother like no other
Roomy2

Roomy1:
Dear Roomy2,
Thank you for your honest remarks. I can't help but feel a bit responsible for the past cheesecake problems we both encountered. I am very sorry. I too thought, "if it looks like a duck, and if it flies like a duck, then it's most likely a duck."
I resonate with the thoughts you shared, very much! I just hope the damages aren't too bad for your stomach. My apologies again.
Love, your brother, Roomy1


This is the funniest exchange of kitchen-counter notes I've ever seen. Roomie3 and I, along w. another friend who was over last night had a great laugh! I love living where I do!! It's never boring!!!

When things just don't work out

You know, I had this great blog typed up this afternoon; but, when I went to publish it, they system crashed. Sure, Blogger said they were sorry, but my wonderful blog has vanished into cyber space. :(
But, it did kind of work out, I was able to say much of what I wanted to say in a comment on a friend's blog - I hope they find it encouraging b/c if read in the wrong tone or mood, it could come across as a harsh word. But, like Cailya commented in Cursed Blog, we've got to read at our own discression.

As I typed the title to this blog, I started to think, "If God has all control, do things ever not work out?" I mean, of course things quite often don't turn out the way we want or hope, but can we throw God off His Course? I already know what the theologians will say - the usual response usually has to do with God skirting around our screw-ups and making His Ultimate Plan happen somehow. That's fine, and may well be true. But, the romantic in me wants to think that God knows exactly what we're going to do; in fact, has worked our flaws into His Plan, in order to somehow fully Redeem His Bride.
I believe (hope, pray, dream?) that the things I've botched in life are not beyond Redemption. My belief is not so much that God can Redeem my mistakes, but more that God will Redeem them. I guess I'll see, as I move forward in become His bondservant.

"Is the Lord's hand waxed short? you shall see now whether My word shall come to pass unto you or not." (Numbers 11:23 KJV - Old English is so fun!... 'waxed short' - heh!)

Knocking on the Gates of Hell

I had a very interesting weekend - the Lord surely arrested me. In my post, Solomon, I said that if I did wander to close to the gates of Hell, the Lord will speak up; well, it seems I've done just that. Though, it's weird. In my wandering, I never felt that I was running from God. I guess I could liken it to when Jesus was lead by the Spirit of God into the wilderness to be tempted.
Over the last few months or so, I have done things that could be seen as unspeakable as a Christian, devoted to God. Yet, I don't feel like I've disappointed the Lord, nor do I regret the choices I've made over this time - I still feel like I am walking in the Lord's will. However, this weekend, I did experience a few things that lead me to a "death-&-resurection" like experience Sunday morning - it hurt, but it was good.

Friday, I went out w. two friends who've been very close to me in the past - it seems we are reforging a friendship once again. However, I felt something in my heart as we discussed a trip - a darkness of sorts... a slight tinge of discomfort. As we spoke, I began to realize that this trip would not bode well for me (sorry guys, I have to bail out).
After a nice worship service Sat. morning, and working at the church all afternoon and evening, I began to get this question. I asked the Lord, "Are you going to let me fall through the cracks?" Right that second, the phone rang. It was a friend - probably the only person I know that I can be completely real with. I don't have to hold back with him, knowing that if I let it all go I won't offend or hurt him too deeply. He understands me... kinda :)
The Lord has put on his heart that he should mentor me over the next half-year, or so. The Lord responded to my question with a resounding "No!"
The next day, the Lord smote me. A man in church - one I have a great deal of respect for - came up to me, put his hand on my back and said, "Go beyond understanding. Let God take you further." So, I let go. I was having a wonderful time worshiping the Lord, but when I let go of my understanding, the weight of the Lord came upon me, and I was pressed to the ground. After the worship time, and the pastor's message was about to begin, He hit me again... I spent about 3/4 of Sunday's service having my soul worked over by the Lord. Images of the Commander of the Lord's Army plunging His sword into my back and head plagued me as I felt only what I can describe as pain and agony in my soul. Yet, all the while, I knew it was good. I knew the Lord was working, and that His judgments are always good.
Later that day, on my way to another worship service, I began walking down the street to another friend's place. I had no idea why I was going there, tho it was the Spirit leading me. I had no idea how I was going to get into the condo complex, and said to the Lord, "If you want me to do this, you're going to have to get me into the building." Well, of course, right as I entered the outer door, someone was leaving and let me in.
In stood in my friend's doorway for a while, trying to figure out why the Lord wanted me there - they thought it was to give me candy and tell me my hat looked goofy... ummm I don't think so, Tim. After talking for a bit, they told me that they think the Lord is calling me to be a "bondservant" - I've lived a time in such complete freedom, almost idolizing freedom itself, but now the Lord is leading me to the other extreme so that I may find a "Wise Medium".
I've discarded this friend's 'rebuke' many times in the past, but I thank the Lord that they still share what they hear Him saying for me. This advice will be heeded. Because of the events that happened over the two previous days, I know this was a Word from the Lord.

So, what is a bondservant? What does it mean to be a slave to the Lord? For us anti-religious types, it sounds hideous. It sounds like a lie from hell to keep us from truly Living. But, I'm not afraid of this calling, for I know that the Lord is good. He is not One to keep Life from any. Submission unto the Lord literally means to "come under His Mission". What is His Mission? To bring Life where there is death - the show Light where there is darkness. To be a bondservant of God is a terrible and delightful calling. I will be pulled and stretched in ways that I've never experienced; yet, I know that when I come through this time, I will know the Power of Love and Humility. I will see and hear the Lord in ways I've never imagined - His works will be evident everywhere.
Though, I have no idea what it means to be the Lord's bondservant, I am looking forward to this time of discipline... discipleship. I will not fear my past, nor will I dread the future. I will rejoice in all that the Lord has given me. Just like Kevin Prosch wrote in "Every Ray", if I should take Happiness from the Lord, should I not also accept Sorrow. Paul exhorts us to rejoice always, giving thanks for all things.

The Lord is Good.